|Posted on April 30, 2017 at 12:05 AM||comments (8319)|
|Posted on March 6, 2017 at 10:25 PM||comments (60)|
How do we forgive our self when we are not being or doing what we think that we should?
Loving our Shadow side…
We all have those bits of our self that we’d rather forget existed. The part of our self that we feel ashamed about and want to hide from others. Perhaps that’s a part of you that gets angry, or defensive, or jealous or insecure.
Perhaps it’s the part that feels needy and wants to emotionally eat, or that part that wants to blame, judge and criticise others, or even yourself.
If you are not sure what your shadow side is, then ask yourself what irritates you the most about other people, and you can be guaranteed that is it….
I have a shadow side of me that expresses itself through anger and resentment. It’s a part of me that in the past I have felt ashamed of and total regret at times. It’s a part of me that I want to kept hidden in the closet and pretend it doesn’t exist and sometimes I even get angry at it for existing….
You see this angry part of me used to express itself a lot when I was a child, particularly when I felt overwhelmed and tired and was picking up on others stresses around me and didn’t know what to do with the excess emotions that I was feeling.
My gorgeous Mum, obviously doing her best and wanting her daughter to be the best version of herself as well, used to pop me in my room and would let me know that I could come out when I was happy…. Which I’m sure seems completely rational and normal as a parent to do that. It’s even something that I copied for my own children, until I understood the ramifications.
Well for a small child, isolation certainly makes you get your emotions sorted very quickly, as the need to be loved and to fit in and belong, as we all know is hard wired into us from birth, as a survival mechanism. We all want to be loved and belong.
I learnt very quickly, how to shove down those emotions, swallow those feelings and to “pop on my happy face”, just so that I could come out of my room and re-join my family. With intense emotions these types of behaviours are driven deeply into our subconscious as patterns that resurface in a similar situation, until they are consciously challenged and transformed. (Generally as an adult)
Knowing what I know now. I realise how much suppression of my feelings and shame that I have felt when experiencing different emotions, when they were anything other than what would be “pleasant or acceptable” for others. This is not to say that it’s ok to behave any way that I want to, however by not taking the time to understand my initial feelings and emotional hurt, then it becomes a perpetuating cycle that deepens with pain and angst every single time it is experienced.
My need to hide and withdraw from others, when my “bad behaviour” arises has been massively challenged by living in a larger family now and has forced me to really look at this aspect of myself and to make peace with it and yes even forgive it, and also forgive the other parts of myself that have judged myself for this behaviour in the past.
To do this, I started to journal about my angry side. I discovered how judged it had felt, when all it was trying to do, was to protect me, to help me, to be my friend and stick up for me when I was too scared to speak up for myself. My angry side was there letting me know by its presence, that I needed to rest, to not push so hard, to be kinder to myself, so I could also be kinder to others.
However in pushing it down, in supressing it, in hiding it, in locking it away and feeling shame around it, I couldn’t learn what it’s positive intention was for me. I couldn’t love it and thank it and appreciate it. I couldn’t discover, what it’s positive intention was and choose a different and more resourceful way of dealing with those feelings and discovering a higher path to meet those needs.
Pushing it down and hiding it away only further perpetuated the cycle. To transform any unresourceful, reoccurring emotion or behaviour we need to shine the light of love on it, by being present with it.
Take some time to think about what is an aspect or part of yourself that you are ashamed about, or that you don’t ever want anybody to ever find out about?
Ask it to speak with you, ask it how it feels? Write down anything that comes to mind, without judgement without criticising it or defending, justifying or withdrawing anything, just let that aspect of you express itself. Just like a hot air balloon exhaling all of its hot air. Until nothing else is left…
Then ask it what it’s positive intention is, ask it how it helps you each day? You may be surprised by the answer. Thank it. Genuinely thank this part of you for helping you and letting you know what now needs to change into a more resourceful behaviour so that it can be at peace now.
There is no right or wrong behaviour. That is purely a judgement of the mind. Everyone just wants to feel better and if we are consciously not choosing what needs to happen, then our subconscious programming will continue to show up and perpetuate our cycles. Our shadow side will continue to do what it does, until it feels fully loved, appreciated and thanked. It is no different to the rest of us. We all want to feel loved and appreciated.
This is true self love.
You see, it is easy to love our self when we are kind, when we are respectful, when we are doing the things that we believe that we should be… It’s much harder to love the lazy aspect, the uncommitted aspect, the unappreciative aspect, the nasty or spiteful aspect, the gossiping aspect, the victim aspect, the sad and angry and depressed aspect. And yet, this is what we need to love and appreciate the most, because until we do, we will always be irritated by others and our self when they are demonstrating this aspect as well.
Self- Love is not conditional. It is loving all parts of our being, for when we do so, it is transformed by the light of the love in our heart.
We cannot fight darkness with darkness, by shining the light of love into our darkest, deepest parts of ourselves we begin to heal and feel whole in our self again.
Sending you all so much love,
(Ps. If you feel really challenged to love and appreciate yourself, what is that preventing you from experiencing and having in life?
It's time for you. The Authentic Happiness gets you back in touch with you again. It assists you to Align your Heart, Find Your Freedom and Live your Truth.
To Apply now book a 30 Minute Complimentary Clarity Phone Session by clicking the link below, limited places available.)
|Posted on February 28, 2017 at 9:30 PM||comments (14)|
How to MASSIVELY Improve your Relationship in 8 Minutes
Do you find that you are constantly feeling challenged in your relationship?
Do you often feel tension in your shoulders and your body?
Watching the video below is an absolute must as it addresses ONE OF THE SINGLE BIGGEST REASONS that causes breakdown of a relationship. Not only that, it also impacts so much on your own personal health, stress levels, wellbeing and overall happiness.
So obviously Feminine and Masculine energy and being in the right polarity in your relationship is MASSIVE, yet not many people know about this and how it impacts our intimate relationship so significantly.
However one of the biggest challenges that most people find, is that they are wanting their partner to be in their proper polarity before they feel able to be in theirs.
This is EXTREMELY DETRIMENTAL to your relationship and your own well being. As it's something that you can't control and places not only your relationship, but your own happiness in someone else's hands.
Time and time again, it always comes back to us OWNING 100% responsibility for our own happiness. For showing up and BEING who WE need to be, in order to live a wonderful life and create our dreams into reality.
The above video is just a sneak view of ONE OF THE MANY VIDEOS and topics that I cover in the Authentic Happiness program.
If you are feeling challenged in your relationship, or if you want to get back that amazing chemistry and take your intimate relationship to not just an ordinary, but a spectacular and incredible one, then The Authentic Happiness Program is a must for you, enabling you to understand yourself, why you make the key decisions that you do, even when you know deep down inside that it's not what you want or what is right for you.
When you COMMIT to understanding all of this about You, it will help you to not only understand, but positively infludence and change so much more about every relationship in your life for the better, not just with your intimate partner.
I truly believe there is no greater gift that we can give to one another than heartfelt love and understanding.
I am so CERTAIN of the RESULTS that you will get in this program that I offer a 100% GUARANTEE. However I also do not just put anybody into the program, I have to be CERTAIN that you are COMMITTED to YOU, and that YOU will SHOW UP FOR YOU.
This is NOT a QUICK FIX.
It is something that takes TIME, ENERGY and EFFORT, however for somebody that is truly COMMITTED to being the BEST VERSION of themselves and being an AMAZING role model for their CHILDREN and wanting to get and share the TOOLS and STRATEGIES with your immediate FAMILY, that create a SUCCESSFUL and FULFILLED life,
Then, this IS for you.
MOST people WANT to make CHANGES,
FEW RARELY DO, not because they don't want to.
But BECAUSE they don't DECIDE to....
They make everything else MORE important in their life, THINKING ONE DAY I'LL GET TO IT, and wake up 5 or 10 years later and wonder what happened.......
Most people don't choose to invest in themselves, because they feel guilty or wrong for spending money on themselves. Where your money goes EVERY WEEK tells you EXACTLY WHAT YOU VALUE the most.....
Even if it's NOT CONGRUENT with what you DO WANT TO VALUE.
INVESTING in you, with your HEALTH, WELLBEING and EDUCATION - Including Personal Development and taking great care of your physical, emotional and mental bodies, sends a CLEAR MESSAGE to your BRAIN that YOU are WORTHY, YOU are DESERVING and that YOU do COUNT.
To apply for the Authentic Happiness Program click below to
Book your obligation free call today to discuss where you're at and if you are a good fit for the Program by clicking here: https://options-for-life.cliniko.com/bookings
ONLY 10 PLACES AVAILABLE AT THE MOMENT.....
Or for a FREE taste of what I can offer through online courses, and if you're up for the Challenge and want 2017 to be your best year yet, jump into the 7 Day FEARLESS Challenge by clicking here: https://sallyholden.clickfunnels.com/squeeze-page-1j0nfn8x5
In Health, Love and Happiness,
Biggest Blessings to you now and always,
|Posted on February 27, 2017 at 9:40 PM||comments (49)|
Can you honestly look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and really appreciate and genuinely love who you are? I’ll be honest, I certainly struggled with that for a long time in my life (I’m now 39), however, these days, I’m able to do it more and more consistently. Yes there are some days that I’d still like to change something, or I’m not as accepting of myself as I’d like to be, but on the whole, as I’ve learned to really embrace the uniqueness and beauty of who I really am, my life has leapt ahead in leaps and bounds, and that’s why I’d really like to share this journey with you.
You see, a few years ago, I felt similar to how you may feel right now. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, and I allowed other’s opinions of me to totally influence how I felt about myself. My self- worth blew about in the wind, like an autumn leaf; sometimes it was up, and sometimes it was down, depending on what others around me said and did. Even if they were upset because of something in their own life, I would take it very personally and think that they didn’t like me and that maybe I needed to change. It was like I held my own self-worth and inner child in my hand asking for validation from other people, as if to ask them, “Am I ok? Will you love me and accept me, just as I am?” The response I received from the person I was interacting with at the time and the type of day they were having was how I determined if I was lovable or not. I allowed all of that to control the way that I felt about myself and the amount of love that I thought was available to me, as well as who I thought I needed to be for others to love me.
And this was because I let it be that way.
I chose to give away my own inner power and self-love to others and what I thought they thought of me. You can see how messed up this can become! It may not have even been truly what they were thinking, it was all based on my own perceptions of what I thought they were thinking, regardless of if they were actually thinking that or not!
Or if a friend or loved one was too busy and didn’t have time to catch up, my perception was that they didn’t like me or want to spend time with me, which I then perceived to mean that they didn’t love me. Even if the fact was that they were actually just REALLY BUSY!!!
I had no stability in my character or in my beliefs because they chopped and changed depending on how I was feeling about myself, which I allowed to be controlled by how others interacted with me.
Today I am rock solid in my core; yes, I certainly may have waves of emotions and feelings that come and go around me at times, but underneath, there are very sturdy foundations that I can absolutely rely on no matter what is going on in my outer world. I have more confidence, happiness, well-being and health than ever before, and most importantly, I really love and respect who I am and the person that I continue to evolve into every single day. I am able to more easily forgive myself for times when I mess up or don’t respond to others in a way that I would normally. I am also more easily able to forgive others, release my expectations of them, and allow them the freedom to be as they choose in each moment since my self-love and self-worth do not come from how they choose to interact with me.
If you find that it’s difficult to cultivate healthy Self-Love for you, make certain that you register your interest for my online Confident and Lovable Program (coming soon) by emailing me now at [email protected]
Wishing you a blessed and love filled day,
Sal Holden xo
|Posted on January 9, 2017 at 12:00 AM||comments (15)|
Allowing the people we love to be on their own journey.
It can be hard standing by and watching someone we love suffer. They may be going through any sort of challenge, perhaps it’s to do with health, a relationship, work, school or their own self confidence.
Quite often we may feel the need to jump in and “save” this person. To help them fix whatever it is they are going through. We may give them “advice” on what to do, or what not to do, based on what WE BELIEVE would be best for them.
They may put up with a situation for much longer than we believe that they should or they may not seem willing to change it.
This can all be very frustrating for us at times. Especially if we love and adore this person and if we just want them to be happy.
Of course this is just another way that we project our own rules onto others, about how we believe that they “should be”, even though the underlying intention of doing so, is coming from a complete place of love and wanting the best for them.
It is still a CONDITIONAL love.
We can NOT assume what is best for them, and their soul’s evolution.
Even in the most challenging of circumstances, we do not know or understand why they are going through that situation. We can start to begin to understand what growth is needed for them to live the life they have always wanted, by questioning what it is that they may be learning. Perhaps they are learning inner strength, perhaps they are learning resilience, the meaning or purpose of their life or to stand up for themselves. Whatever it is I am sure that if they took the time to sit down and ask themselves, they would know at a deep level what that is.
It is NOT our job to interfere in their process, by judging it or needing them to change it.
The minute we go into judgement, about someone or their situation, we lose the power to influence that person. We may be so fixated on getting them out of the discomfort they feel, because we are looking at their situation, imagining what that would feel like and then feeling OUR pain associated with this, believing it to be their pain.
I believe the BEST gift that we can ever give to anyone is to hold the space lovingly for them in knowing at all times that they are safe, they have found their answers and they have come through this situation,(even if it appears that hasn’t happened just yet) without needing to FORCE, CONTROL or MAKE anything else happen. This is not being unloving, uncaring or selfish. By doing this, it allows us to let go of our pain that we are projecting onto them and be even MORE PRESENT for them.
It will allow us to lovingly and compassionately listen to where they are at, without JUDGEMENT, this will allow them the space to get CLEAR on what is happening for them.
The more someone feels judged for their situation, the more they will stay stuck, as they will feel the need to JUSTIFY, DEFEND and perhaps blame others for what is happening.
By holding the space for them, that they are whole, perfect and complete exactly the way they are and knowing that they are experiencing this situation for a reason, will allow you to not be as affected by their situation, both energetically and emotionally. It’s only when we jump into their drama and add to it with our own emotion, judgement, thoughts and beliefs that we will add to their negative feelings.
This is harder to do the closer we are to someone. It’s particularly hard to do with our own children.
It was one of the best lessons that I ever got in letting go of attempting to control external situations to do with other people.
To attempt to exert control of another, because of what I believed they were doing was morally wrong, created even more challenges and difficulties, not only for myself, but for my kids and the other person. When I stepped back, resolved my own emotions about the situation by doing “The Work” by Byron Katie (www.thework.com) I could then lovingly hold the space for my children’s soul journey.
Knowing with FAITH and TRUST, that what was happening was helping their soul’s evolve and grow in a very powerful way. I know that the lessons they learnt in that situation, was so powerful and they could have not have received those lessons in any other way.
We need to embrace the UPS and DOWNS of life. It IS CYCLIC. It won’t always be blossoms and flowers. We NEED the winter too, to appreciate the SUNSHINE.
It’s when we can find VALUE in all experiences that life begins to take a very different turn for us. We start to live with a peace and serenity in our hearts, regardless of what is happening externally to our self or to those we LOVE.
It is only FEAR that creates judgement through the SURVIVAL MIND. Often screaming at us, through its monkey mind chatter, that this is NOT ok, and starts to ruminate with FEARS from PAST EXPERIENCES as well as bringing in FUTURE what ifs! We have a powerful imagination and if it is not being CONSCIOUSLY directed by our heart and soul, in can have emotionally devastating results for us.
By dropping back into our HEART SPACE, letting go of judgement and fear, letting go of our SURVIVAL MIND attempting to run the show, then that is where TRUE FREEDOM is found.
PS. If this resonates with you and you are keen to learn more, SIGN UP to my FEARLESS WEBINAR!! Embracing Fear, to create a life you love!
Thursday the 12th of January at 6pm!
- Understand why you feel Fear and how your biggest fears are your greatest guidance
- Let go of feeling stuck and paralysed by fear
- Melt anxiety and tension through this one easy step
- Discover the one tool that I use daily to dissolve fear
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- Extra BONUS waiting for you inside the WEBINAR!
Click on the link on Facebook to attend live, or get the recording!
|Posted on July 5, 2014 at 8:20 AM||comments (9)|
Transforming Guilt through the Power of Gratitude
How often do you “should” on yourself? Do you have perfectionist tendencies and need to get everything done, perfectly correct, every time?
Do you feel that unless everyone else is happy around you, and everything is completed, that you are not able to relax or take time out for yourself?
Being a perfectionist or even having lots of “should” in our life, can create loads of tension and stress in your mind, body and soul. When you feel the need to be perfect and get everything done that you think that you need to, it impacts not only your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, but also takes so much joy and fun out of life. We can become serious and boring, not to mention tense and feel anxious and worried.
Any time that we create “shoulds” it can generate a feeling of guilt.
Guilt can be incredibly damaging not only to our health and wellbeing but especially to our self-esteem, self-confidence and self-belief because when we feel guilty, we may also feel that we should be punished and are undeserving and unworthy because we believe that we are bad and wrong for whatever it is that we have done or not done.Guilt can come in many disguises, it can be that voice in your head that whispers “You shouldn’t eat that”, or “You should’ve called your friend” or “You shouldn’t be late” or “You shouldn’t have said that”.
It can be that sinking feeling in the stomach when we realise the impact of our actions on others, it can be the inner conflict of jugging work, home and kids, and feeling that we are not putting in 100% into all areas, and then the nagging feeling that you want to escape the madhouse and go and have a bath, but little Maggie needs you to read her book to her. It can be the tension in your shoulders when you desperately want to take time out for yourself and rest, and then you look around and see so many things that need to be done. For me personally, I felt that guilt was stamped on my forehead when I had my first baby. Which I’m sure a lot of parents can relate to, and even when we’ve done our very best for our child, in the circumstances and with the knowledge that we had at the time, it can be a feeling of somehow we should have known better, we should’ve known more, and we should’ve done it all different.
Guilt can be created through so many different experiences in life, and can feel overwhelming at times, especially if we feel responsible for making others happy and minimising all of the heartache that the people that we love are experiencing.
Guilt and I seemed inseparable for a long time in my life, it didn’t seem to matter what I did, I felt that guilt was just lurking there in the corner, ready to consume me at any time. I discovered that guilt was a result of feeling extremely conflicted with my values and because everything seemed so important to me, I found it difficult to prioritize anything. For me personally this also came back to a belief that I had that was “I should get everything done, and get it done perfectly” – which of course is impossible. When I started to examine the things that I felt guilty about and what was the side benefit of guilt, I discovered that by feeling guilty, it gave me a feeling of connection with others by feeling that if I couldn’t fix it, or change it, that at least if I felt bad about it, then it showed that I cared about and loved others, by being a martyr and feeling bad.
This also allowed me to drop into self-pity at times, which gave me the side benefit of feeling so sorry for myself, that I would let myself rest to some degree and also connect with myself and how I was feeling. It was an exhausting and incredibly draining and disempowering cycle to be in. I discovered by finding that the highest intention behind my guilt was that I wanted to be doing my best by being the best person that I could be and also helping those that I loved, as well as making a difference in the world, by helping others. When I was able to resolve these inner conflicts and align with Self-Love and start giving love as my soul purpose and realise that anytime I felt guilt it was just a strong indicator of something that I really valued. So if I was behaving in a way that was not congruent with how I believed I needed to be, guilt was just the lighthouse showing me where to go and what to focus on.
It is with that understanding that I was able to drop a lot of the guilt and to feel empowered in making changes to my life and to also recognise how far I had come in many areas of my life. Yes there are still things that need working on, and things that could definitely be better, however by recognising that I am making progress and by being GRATEFUL for where I am at the moment, is the true key to transforming guilt resulting in so much more happiness and joy. I am no longer a victim of my circumstances and I no longer allow guilt to rule my life.
I discovered that guilt was keeping me in a resistant pattern which fed itself literally! So in the life area of health, particularly with food, if I felt guilty for eating a particular food, thinking I shouldn’t be eating this, I would also attach guilt to the action and the behaviour. This made me feel worse, didn’t allow me to enjoy the food, left me feeling unsatisfied and emotionally empty because of the disconnection in self-love that it gave me. Because of that, I would then want more of that same food to try to satisfy the empty feeling inside and to counteract how I was feeling. Then I would feel worse than ever because I would feel even more guilt, and the cycle would continue. All the guilt was trying to show me was that I value my health and taking care of my body is important to me. As soon as I recognised that, I was also able to make the necessary changes, drop the guilt and feel grateful for my health body, and feel grateful for working towards having a healthier body.
I have also found that because of the resistance that guilt produces inside of us, a feeling of guilt can also contribute massively to procrastinating. If I “should” have made a phone call and sorted something out with someone, or “should” have rang a friend to say hello and show them that I cared about them, the more guilt I felt about it, the longer I would put it off. Every time I would go to do it, I would feel guilt, so I would put it aside, try to ignore the guilt and distract myself with something else. Again the guilt was just showing me something that I valued, such as harmony and peace in relationships, and showing those that I love, that I care about them. The guiltier I felt the longer I seemed to procrastinate on it.This can happen in so many areas of our life, and can result in feeling extraordinarily frustrated.
I had a major epiphany one morning, I realised how many things I felt guilty around. I took the time to write a list of all the things I felt guilty about and ended up writing two A4 pages on the things that I “should” do. It ended up being hysterically funny, and I could see the absurdity of all of my thoughts, and how I believed that I needed to be perfect in every area of my life. The truth was that I really was doing ok, I realised that the more I felt guilt around any area of my life, the more that I felt I needed to punish myself, deprive myself and beat myself up, which just kept me stuck and feeling resistant to making any changes. It was exhausting and draining and literally felt like it was consuming me and taking all of the life out of me.
I changed the word “should” to “I am grateful for…… “For example “I should take care of my body” to “I am grateful for taking care of my body”“I should be a better Mum” to “I am grateful for being a better Mum”It was funny because when I read all the new statements out, with being “grateful” instead of “should” the statements were still true and I could find examples in my mind of how they were true.This radically transformed the way I thought about all of the key areas in my life and released so much of the guilt and resistance I had previously felt which naturally lead to a feeling of happiness, gratitude and joy. I realised that I was already doing a lot of the things on my list. And that I could also continue to improve these areas, this time without the guilt attached.
The resulting feeling was one of openness and freedom, and relaxation. It was like I had dropped the weight of the world off my shoulders. I not only felt so much more gratitude for everything that was already in my life, and happy with the way things were, but also excited about the changes that I could make, and how I would continue to grow towards these.
Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for transformation that I have ever come across. I cannot emphasize its value enough! It is the key to transforming and transcending negative thought patterns and therefore negative feelings. It gets our mind focused on what we want, what we are grateful for. Being able to come from a place of appreciation for our life and all that is in it, radically transforms our health, emotional wellbeing and will be the driver and projector for all the good things to come into your life. It is absolutely one of the key essential ingredients to utilising the law of attraction and especially when we can get into a feeling of gratitude for what is yet to come into our life and what we desire most.
When we can feel grateful, as if it has already happened, it produces excitement and a feeling of empowerment and upliftment. This literally trains your brain and your body, to believe that the experience has happened which then becomes a powerful catalyst for taking the action required to attain your manifestation.
|Posted on May 29, 2014 at 5:40 PM||comments (11)|
Grief is an intensely personal and deep journey that is different for everybody that experiences it. Grief can come in many forms after a significant loss, that of a loved one, friend, or even through a loss of a relationship and or job.
Sometimes grief can feel extremely overwhelming and it is important during these times to just take it moment by moment and not try to look too far ahead, as it can feel like too much to deal with.
It can feel very awkward and uncomfortable for those around us, who care and want to help us with our grief, but they do not know what to say or how to help. A common mistake that people make in supporting others through grief, is in trying to "cheer them up" or "fix them". It's important to remember that the person may be experiencing such deep painful feelings that they can feel "wrong" in feeling sad.
Allowing the person to express their painful feelings and holding their hand through the process, can be the most beautiful thing that we can do for another. We don't have to say or do anything, it's just about being there to listen when they need to talk. If they seem angry or distant, try not to take this personally as they are sifting through the many emotions and thoughts that are going through their mind and trying to make sense of it all.
For some people the first few weeks and months can be mostly numb, as we come to terms with the shock of the loss, accompanied by the sharp, deep stabbing pain, that arises and is released as deep crying and tears and sometimes extreme anger. Sometimes it can feel so surreal as if it were all part of a really bad dream, and we really think that it cannot possibly be true.
Sadness, anger, numbness, disbelief, confusion, guilt, and denial are just a few of the many feelings that you may experience whilst going through deep grief.
You may not feel like eating, or really doing anything. It can sometimes feel that you can't even be bothered with anything anymore and that everything that you used to love to do, no longer brings you happiness.
Grief can be an extremely isolating time, as sometimes we feel that nobody else understands how we feel, and that nobody else gets how painful it is for us. It's so important to reach out to others and let them know how you're feeling, particularly when things feel very tough, or like the pain will never go away.
Over the following months the pain can seem to intensify and last longer, more like a very deep ache in our heart, as our body adjusts to the shock and we start to feel a little bit more, this again can feel extremely overwhelming and feel like it will never end.
Anniversaries, birthdays, Easter and Christmas, can all feel particularly tough and it is important to really take care and be kind and gentle to ourselves on these days.
In time the cycles of sadness, anger, denial and many other emotions will begin to lengthen and you will find that you will start to have more "better" days than "bad"days.
As you start to feel a little better and maybe even laugh, you may find yourself feeling extremely guilty, for even feeling happy. Sometimes it can feel that by being happy we are not honoring the person that we love and have lost. It can feel that if we are happy we don't love them enough, as we aren't sad. This again is a completely normal feeling and experience in grief. In time we will know deep in our heart that the person that we love would want us to be happy. It's easier for us to know that in our head, it can take a little longer to really feel that in our body and heart.
Othertimes it can feel that if we let go of the sadness, we are letting go of the person, we feel that we have to hold onto the sadness otherwise we will lose our connection with our loved one. Again this is a completely normal part of grief and is just another way that sadness and guilt can come up in grief.
If you are experiencing grief, please reach out to others and let them help support you through this time. Be very kind and gentle to yourself. Try to eat healthy nourishing foods, and even a gentle walk in the sunshine and breathing in fresh air can do wonders.
Sometimes we try to fill the void or numb the pain with alcohol, drugs and food. As much as we want the pain to stop, the best way through grief is to let your body feel the pain, breathe experience it and let it go. When we suppress the emotion with food, drugs and alcohol, it will only come back up again to be dealt with at another time. For some this may even be many years later.
Please know that there is no right or wrong way to experience grief. Your experience is a very personal journey and will happen as it is meant to for you.
For those supporting friends and loved ones through grief, please know that they need your support not only in the first few months but also very much afterwards, for some in the 3rd to 4th month period and around the 6mth period as well as the first anniversary and ongoing anniversaries and special dates. The emotions and feelings change so much from day to day and week to week, that if you are supporting someone through grief, an ok day can change very quickly.
If you are at all concerned about how you are feeling or how someone you love is coping, please seek professional advice immediately.
Sending you all much love and many hugs,